May 30th...

Today marks the one year anniversary of an event that rocked my world to the core, with everyone around me left in the wake. The damage cannot be undone, but what can be done is to do something different. I have spent the last year trying to do something different and I have come a long way. Today, instead of being kept alive by machines, I woke up, went to work, and played some softball. We won 17-3, but that isn't the point. What may seem like any normal day to most people, is a victory for me. It is a real true victory for me, and everyone that knows me would agree.

Here and now...

Isn't it strange to go back and visit a place you haven't been in a while. Things are familiar, yet different. I tend to remember all of the good things...seeing my old stomping grounds like some desert oasis. I have thoughts about going back as if it would make my life better. As if my life is somehow incomplete now.
Does the grass always have to seem greener on the other side of the fence? How can I learn to appreciate the green grass on my side of the fence? I know it is natural to always be seeking the next greener pasture. There is nothing wrong with that. Ambition is a great trait to have, but for me, it seems to have caused some discontent.
I want to seek a better life while at the same time savoring the great life I have now. I want to make an effort to really live for today.
If you had to assign a percentage to each, how much of your life is spent thinking about the past, thinking about the future, and thinking about the here and now? Someone once told me that it should be 10% past, 10% future, and 80% now.
I know it is good to remember your past as a way to see how far you have come and learn from your mistakes. For me though, it definitely takes up more than 10%. I my thoughts of the past rarely have anything to do with gauging my progress. I know it is also good to think of the future, make goals, etc. What happens when you keep thinking that you will finally be happy when.....? These thoughts take up way more than 10%.
So what do I have left for the here and now? Whatever it is, it is not enough. I need to change my focus. I have been so blessed in my life and I have a great life...right now.

Change...

I think it is funny how someone can want change, but at the same time be so afraid of it. I find that I want to cling to the familiar even when I know what I really want is change. I often think about that story with the little girl and her string of pearls from the dime store. They were cheap, she longed for real pearls. Her dad kept asking her to give them to him, but she clung to them. When she finally decided to hand them over, he had real pearls waiting for her. This is exactly what God wants. We have to be willing to hand over our "string of pearls" from the dime store in order to get what we really want. What we long for.
Why is this such a hard concept? Deep down we know that there is something better in store, and we long for that something better. Somehow, even though we want something better, the familiar keeps a strong hold on us and we become anxious about giving it away.
I want what lies ahead if I trade in my "string of pearls" for the real thing. I want to be a better person because of it. I want to learn how to let go of the comfortable and familiar in order to strive for something better. I know God will meet me there as long as I have the desire and the effort that goes behind it.
I'm excited!

See it through...

Do you ever get excited about something new in your life or a new opportunity? Isn't that a great feeling? You have high hopes and expectations. Do you ever think about what it will take from yourself to see it through rather than looking towards the other person/people/events to make things happen? Do you ever wonder why God has given you the new opportunity? How it can help you grow? How it can make you a better person? How it can help others become better too?
Isn't it strange that at the slightest hint of trouble, doubt comes roaring in and crashes like a tidal wave? Do you begin to tell yourself that is was wrong to begin with, and beat yourself up for getting your hopes up? Think negative thoughts about yourself or your own worth? I have. Have you ever stopped to consider that a hint of trouble may not be trouble at all, but a new opportunity...to work, to grow, to stretch? Maybe it wasn't wrong to begin with? Maybe you should keep your hopes up? Maybe you are worth a little effort to see something through?
I feel some exciting changes ahead and I am praying for the strength, courage, and wisdom to see them through. God has so much in store, this is only the beginning.

New year and new beginnings...

I would like to say that I came into this year with all kinds of hopes, dreams, and of course...resolutions, but I didn't. Honestly, I sort of forgot about the whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing I try to do every year, but usually forget about by March...does anyone remember their resolutions for 2007?
I did take the time yesterday to come up with some of these things for this next year. I have actually written them down and hope to keep track of them this year (Does that count as another resolution? I better write that down too!) This process, of course, was only due to the fact that my daily meditation book (which I was playing catch up with) asked some specific questions that really made me think. Some of these questions were:
What would I like to have happen in my life this year?
What particular areas of growth would I like to work on?
What blocks or character defects would I like to have removed?
What decisions would I like to make?
I came to a few conclusions after answering these questions. I need to realize that I do have some control and say in what happens in my life. Granted, there are many things out of my control, which is usually when I find myself having to recite the serenity prayer under my breath. I can still take active steps each week to see that I am pursuing the things I would like to attain in life.
I know that my moods can go up and down and that my recovery is a process, but many times I have seen the warning signs of a slip and felt helpless and hopeless. I know that I can do something during this time, like pick up a phone and call someone, force myself to do the "next right thing", etc. Limiting the impact a depressed mood or relapse has is really the only way I can try to control it (it also helps to stay on my medication...which I struggle with). We all know that actively combating our issues is really hard and takes a great deal of persistence and courage. Of course there is always the "Catch 22" in that what we need to do is most often the hardest thing to bring ourself to do.
I know that is true for me. I don't want to pick up the phone when I am struggling. My perfectionism makes me think I have to pretend everything is okay, no one wants to hear my crap, that someone will think I am whining, that I am weak.
Fighting these negative thoughts that have been so deeply ingrained into my brain is one of the hardest things for me to do...I am my own worst critic.
My hope for myself and for all of my friends is that this next year be filled with more positive thoughts and more positive experiences.
Let's celebrate the fact that we have the ability to make changes and grow.
Cheers!