New year and new beginnings...

I would like to say that I came into this year with all kinds of hopes, dreams, and of course...resolutions, but I didn't. Honestly, I sort of forgot about the whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing I try to do every year, but usually forget about by March...does anyone remember their resolutions for 2007?
I did take the time yesterday to come up with some of these things for this next year. I have actually written them down and hope to keep track of them this year (Does that count as another resolution? I better write that down too!) This process, of course, was only due to the fact that my daily meditation book (which I was playing catch up with) asked some specific questions that really made me think. Some of these questions were:
What would I like to have happen in my life this year?
What particular areas of growth would I like to work on?
What blocks or character defects would I like to have removed?
What decisions would I like to make?
I came to a few conclusions after answering these questions. I need to realize that I do have some control and say in what happens in my life. Granted, there are many things out of my control, which is usually when I find myself having to recite the serenity prayer under my breath. I can still take active steps each week to see that I am pursuing the things I would like to attain in life.
I know that my moods can go up and down and that my recovery is a process, but many times I have seen the warning signs of a slip and felt helpless and hopeless. I know that I can do something during this time, like pick up a phone and call someone, force myself to do the "next right thing", etc. Limiting the impact a depressed mood or relapse has is really the only way I can try to control it (it also helps to stay on my medication...which I struggle with). We all know that actively combating our issues is really hard and takes a great deal of persistence and courage. Of course there is always the "Catch 22" in that what we need to do is most often the hardest thing to bring ourself to do.
I know that is true for me. I don't want to pick up the phone when I am struggling. My perfectionism makes me think I have to pretend everything is okay, no one wants to hear my crap, that someone will think I am whining, that I am weak.
Fighting these negative thoughts that have been so deeply ingrained into my brain is one of the hardest things for me to do...I am my own worst critic.
My hope for myself and for all of my friends is that this next year be filled with more positive thoughts and more positive experiences.
Let's celebrate the fact that we have the ability to make changes and grow.
Cheers!

Adjusting expectations...

Do you ever hold out hope for something? Think that things will change when you know that they really never will? Why do I keep expecting things to be different, why do I deny reality? They say the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. In that case, I am totally insane, especially when it comes to my family! I keep thinking that somehow things will be different, that my family will be people other than they are, that they will change. Truth is, I can't change anyone, and I certainly can't wait around hoping they will change themselves. I keep looking to them for the love, support, and encouragement that I need in life. Here is where it gets crazy though...there are many people out there in my world that I know beyond a doubt will be there for me. They will offer me love, support, and encouragement...IF I would only reach out to them. Instead, I somehow believe that if the people in the world who are supposed to provide that don't, then somehow I must not deserve it. I must really be bad. I am not worth people putting effort into. Crazy, I know, but that is how my warped thinking starts to get me into trouble. I seek what I cannot have, yet run from what is waiting for me, if only I would turn and see it, reach for it, and embrace it. For all of you who want to be there for me, I am sorry that I shut you out. I know it doesn't make sense, but I want to thank you for understanding that it is a struggle I have, and I know when I do turn towards you, you will be there, thinking "It's about time!"

A visit to Seoul...

Ok...I bought a ticket to Seoul tonight. I leave in one week, a few hours less than one week...I head out next Saturday morning at 9am, arrive Sunday at 5:30pm on the 28th. I am staying until Monday the 5th of November...I fly back at 8:10pm and arrive in Dallas at 9:40pm the same day. Time zones are funny like that...
I am excited and scared at the same time. What if I like it there and decide to move? Am I really considering living on the other side of the world? Am I crazy?
This could be the biggest adventure of my life...some of my best memories...some of my best opportunities...too big to pass up, right?
It won't be easy. It will be a huge adjustment, there will be hard times, scary times. I will feel alone at times, very frustrated at times, and like I would do anything for Chicken Express at times. :)

I'm blogging...

Ok, so why am I just now jumping on board with blogging? My friends have had blogs for years and I have always thought they were so great. I have been scared to take the leap fearing some huge typo and the world laughing...actually, just been a bit lazy.
For anyone who knows me, you know that the last two years have been quite a journey with many twists and turns. Life is back on track, I know, finally, right? I am going back to work...thank goodness! I am going to be moving...some options are Dallas, NYC, DC, and Seoul.
I feel confident that I have reached my tipping point...life only gets better.